I had quite a few small instances pile up on me this Saturday and it led to a short lived breakdown on my part. I just found myself crying, weeping, really, and trying to reconcile myself with having to continue in this world as it tries continually to grind the bones of myself and my family and those in my close family of believers in Christ (oikos).
I have found myself praying less, though I have continued to listen to more and more sermons and songs to the Lord, and I’m soaking in the word more than ever through church and bible studies.
Somehow, I just still felt that grinding. I was not admitting that nothing seemed to be enough, and that I was diving into the distractions of the world in the form of too much TV and apps on my tablet like mahjong and solitaire.
At a time such as this to waste hours doing that, I think it hurt more than helped my mental state.
At least when I’m praying I’m in active communication with the Lord. This proved to me that it isn’t enough to soak in the word if I’m taking it in superficially or to make myself feel better just at that moment I’m listening.
The Lord speaks to my heart still, for sure, but I can see that He has designed this relationship for so much more.
When I’m listening and making connections between the things God is saying, not just for my heart, but with an active ear to what He might want me to pray about, it is so much better. Since I do feel He started this very little prayer ministry I have going on, I should remember that it is for a purpose far bigger than myself!
And so, here I am again, confessing my usual failures and selfish weaknesses, and yet happy and filled again to know that God is so good!
He has been showing me lately that He makes us all for such important purpose and if we seek Him, He will show us step by step how to be of use in the world!
I have especially been thinking of that as regards children, lately. He’s been sending sermons, devotionals, conversations, and so many little God notes about how important it is to minister to children.
I heard a speaker from One Child talk about his belief that children are looked at as a burden in our world when they are, in truth, the Lord’s solution to the problems of this generation.
I heard a wonderful Tony Evans sermon on the radio about how we cannot pass down inheritance we don’t own and how important it is to own the promises of God. It is such a wonderful blessing that even should we fail greatly, even generationally, the Lord’s promises can’t be rescinded. Think of the stories of the promised land in the Bible. The original recipient of the Lord’s promise did not see the land he was given, so often. Not Moses, not Jacob. But if we own these promises, the Lord can fulfill them for our children or grandchildren despite our stubborn disobedience.
These speeches and studies have also brought up the idea of free will.
What an all important topic in days of encroaching tyranny.
The Lord gives us so much free will it’s hard to understand. The One Who Lives Out of Time, who could control everything with but a word, does not steer us like puppets but instead, knowing each possibility and avenue, He waits on our own choices. He patiently allows us to suffer our own mistakes and to find our way to following Him.
And every time we steer ourselves or our families away from the promises of His good blessings, He makes a way again to return.
A friend and I were discussing such things after church and talking about how we humans don’t naturally seek the Lord with consistency. We come to Him, enjoy the goodness of His favor, and then we always begin to drift. It is like rowing against a tide, to live in this world designed to hide Him, to continue to seek Him with discipline.
Sometimes we break a little, often we wander and waiver, but the Lord remains constant.
Sit content today in the knowledge that the Lord will make a way for you to return to Him if you have been lost in the world.
For me, it only took some crying out, some desperate prayer, and a drive with my husband. Out in the world of nature, the land the Lord so recently moved us to, I realized He is still on His throne.
I saw Him in the changing of the seasons, the plants and the animals. We went to a cemetery and I remembered all those who came before us. They fled to hide from sometimes similar troubles, out to these far flung woods, and they so desperately wanted peace they cleared farmsteads rock by rock by hand in order to live here.
They lasted as long as the Lord willed, and hopefully many returned to Him. I know the way is narrow, and I know more and more why that is.
The Christian life is an upriver row, but in the end, to find purpose in a world of chaos, to see the Hand That Created and Ordered The Universe at work through me and my life, that is worth every hard moment.
Lord,
I never feel I’m able to order my own thoughts in a way that might do any good in the world, but once I stay in relationship with You, and simply begin doing what seems right as a result, You move mountains and bring miracles I see everywhere.
Thank You that though You allow me every ounce of my free will and my ability to fail as a broken human, You also give every single way back to being right with You, and to gaining Your blessings and promises.
How could I not worship? How could I not praise? You are the God who takes a morsel and feeds a million! You are the Lord who fights battles we don’t even see on our behalf!
Help me, Lord, to stay close on Your path. Show me where to go and what to do, how to speak and pray, so that I may be of best use to Your plans for this world.
In Jesus’ Holy Name, Amen
A Grateful Wife's Prayers 