The earth dries up and withers. The world wastes away and withers. The great leaders of the earth waste away.The earth is polluted by those who live on it because they’ve disobeyed the Lord’s teachings, violated his laws, and rejected the everlasting promise.
– Isaiah 24:4-5
I have always considered myself a Christian. But I actively turned people from Christ, I think, by accident of my own hypocrisy.
I was a person of the World and I loved God, I loved His saving Grace, but I loved mostly the safety and security I felt because I knew He had offered me forgiveness and I had taken it from Him.
Yes, what reassurance that is! Especially for me, a woman whose earliest memories are of a feeling of deep impending doom.
I was a well loved and well cared for child, but I was so aware of those around me who didn’t have things so wonderful. In a way it was early empathy, but at 4 and 5 years old, when this was happening, it was mostly just something to be afraid of. I knew I should be grateful for the blessed life I had but in the natural, all I knew how to do was fearfully worry that the big Bad out there would come for me soon.
I found the Lord at 7 and I reveled in that safety and that saving, but even then, it took me about 29 more years to even begin to step into the idea of working towards a mature relationship with God and in Christ.
I spent my time compartmentalizing myself so that I could be worldly, sarcastic, and some version of “cool” while doing things like drinking, drugs, looking at porn,trying to get my value through how desirable I seemed, or by being funny and sassy and often putting others down.
And then when I was alone in my room at night I would spend my time yet again terrified that the “good life” I was living would end up changing into some horror show.
I was cavalier, naive, inexperienced, and full of myself. I took on the Lord’s saving Grace and used it like a get out of jail free card. I had not taken on the actual responsibility of a relationship with God.
Because you see, when we are saved, it is glorious. But that saving comes along with a calling! And it isn’t a calling like the world thinks of them. It isn’t some desire of our hearts that if we follow it will bring us success in money or fame.
It is an imperative of the Spirit.
It is an intimate relational calling to do what is most important to the one you love most (Christ!).
In the same way we learn to love our spouse or child and we want to do what’s best for them, or best for our coming lives together, we are called to work for what is best for Christ’s kingdom through the love relationship we get to have with Him.
I didn’t know that because I was busy acting like Christ’s saving of my soul was something I owned and could just pull out for emergency use last minute!
And He loved me anyway!
He loved me enough to let me know that this was not going to be enough!
He loved me enough to show me (through hardships and rough times like I’d been so afraid of) that the relationship was what mattered!
Learning that saved me all over again.
My relationship with Christ began to blossom and grow every time I felt I had nothing else but Him.
When my parents divorce came along at 15, Jesus was there.
When my little sister was born and had cleft lip and palette, when that derailed every plan I might have as an adult, Jesus was there.
When I stupidly ran in fear from relationship with my own earthly Father because things got too hard and I didn’t know how to live up to expectations, Jesus was there.
When I made a really bad decision to get engaged to someone blow up in my face, Jesus was there.
When my husband and I had terrible times and feared divorce was the only way to relieve the pain, and at the same time my health failed for years with no answers in sight and I was forced to work on the codependence I’d developed with my mom, Jesus was there.
When the symptoms I’d had for years cascaded into a crazy nightmare of everything going wrong at once, while I had a new baby, when every time I used a muscle it weakened to the point of being paralyzed, when I was unable to walk or see or speak or almost to breathe, Jesus was there.
Every time I thought the world was ending and my life was over, Jesus met me there and reminded me that He is all I’ve ever needed.
This is how our relationship became real.
I came running to Him, desperate in need and just hoping one of the verses I’d sat upon so haughtily as my inheritance when I knew so little would help me feel better.
And every time, I find out that not only does Jesus and the word He gifted us make me feel better, it actually makes the world and the life and the body living it better.
I lived so much of my life thinking I didn’t need God, and He loved me anyway.
And when I ignored Him because I was sure I was fine, He loved me anyway.
And when I came screaming in begging for help because it turned out over and over that I was not fine, not at all, He still loved me anyway.
Jesus loves You this way, as well. No matter how haughty or ignorant or desperate, no matter your problem, He loves You and He’s ready to show you how much better your very worst times can be when you’re in relationship with Him.
Today I’m hoping that this desperate crisis I see in the world, the need that’s been growing in clamor for years and decades now, sea to sea, is the same kind of pain. The kind of birth pains that give way to a new deeper and more wonderful relationship with Christ! Imagine if we could have that for the whole world!
Let’s pray about it today!
Lord, Every time I go on my own way, You show me Grace and Mercy and let me go, knowing I’m being oblivious and that things would be better if I listened and continued to seek You first.
Every time I remember You are all that matters and that by seeking You all else is added to my benefit, You take me back under Your wings with open arms and no hesitation.
I’m so grateful! I cannot believe a love so huge and wonderful exists for me and that You offer it not only freely, but at every twist and turn.
Help me to keep seeking You, Lord, more and more consistently and to keep building this beautiful relationship with You.
And in that Lord, teach me to follow where You will lead me. Teach me to listen for the small still voice that will remind me of those imperatives. The call to share Your story, that I get to be a part of now. The call to help the hurting, and to direct them to the one who helps me. The call to walk in righteousness even when the world’s gone completely in the other direction. Even when the world persecutes us for it. And to remind ourselves as they do, that this call is more important than earthly troubles.
Lord, there’s no way to express how glad I am for Your offering me this relationship. How can it be that the most powerful being in the Universe, the beginning and end of all life and existence, would look down and choose little old me to a part of that story?
Help us remember today to seek You first, and leave all other concerns in Your mighty hands!
In Jesus’ Holy Name, Amen!
A Grateful Wife's Prayers 