I’m very good at ignoring myself. That’s not the same as denying myself. I’m good at just thinking that everything is fine in my heart. I’m one of those highly annoying sanctimonious jerks who is always ready and happy to try and analyze the behavior (and hearts behind that behavior) of those around me, but I stay stubbornly idiotic about far too many of my own motivations and behaviors that grow our of them.
To anyone who knows me and has experience with this side of me, I’m truly sorry. It is one of God’s greatest tasks in trying to eke me closer to perfection to continually show me this and try to drag me out of it. I imagine it as an extra stubborn and thorny part of my temperament, judging by how often the Lord sees fit to send me lessons about this same thing.
It’s proof that we don’t earn love, and that it is a gift from God that I continue to be married and have fairly good relationships with people who have been in my life a long time.
God tells us to take up our cross and follow Him, which is a directive to deny self. What God keeps showing me is that I can’t know which portions of my inner thought life and my “inner want life” to deny if I never take honest inventory of what’s driving me and what’s creating behaviors that are detrimental in my life and my family.
Our pastor has been speaking about being pliable of heart and ready to follow Jesus into the wild of the adventures He determines for each of us. He touched greatly on the topic of how we inhibit our ability to be a part of this grand adventure if we cling too closely to self.
This was our church’s worship Wednesday. I’ve never had a sermon talk to me so clearly about something so immediate in my life, and so useful. https://youtu.be/A9MnbmW9EaQ
It asks these questions:
How is self love hurting you causing defects in you?
How is it hiding these defects from you?
Invite God to uproot self love and case His love to take its place.
Lord,
Thank You that You show me how I hold myself away from You and from being a part of Your grand and great plans for this world and those in it with me.
Please, Lord, keep helping me to stay in relationship with You. Keep helping me have the courage to say yes to Your calling to new things even if they frighten me and even though I am so incapable on my own.
Thank You that I can trust You to work out every problem, to equip me despite my own inabilities, and to improve all things for me and any others who sincerely seek You.
Help me know exactly how to put myself aside, and live for Your purposes. Let me know what to do and when and how to do it, Lord.
I wait eagerly,
In Jesus’ Holy Name, Amen
A Grateful Wife's Prayers 