I am very lucky to have the good job I have. I’ve been lucky to have it for 12 years. Still, my life has changed a lot lately and the job itself has changed over the years. I find myself now wondering if I’m called to do this job as I once was.
I am blessed to be able to work and also have my daughter along, but it also creates challenges to do so. I am often wondering what would be best for my baby and my client, because my attention is always split now. It’s kind of like I get to do all the work of a Stay at Home Mom, and do it all while doing all the work of my actual job as a working Mom.
The worries are daily. Would it be better to have my daughter in daycare so she got some kind of more structured schedule and routine, so the people would be there to focus on her, instead of always distracted from helping her? I work nights often of late and it bothers me so much to have to wake her sleeping self up to take her home. I hate also having to get her back to bed there. It’s no wonder she never has gotten into a routine at night and learned to sleep well. This also often leads to missed baths and teeth brushings and that adds to the motherly guilt and worry and questioning.
Other days I dress her while she’s still sleeping, or sometimes on the days we’ll work that late, and put her in the car to eat her breakfast on the road. I could wake her up earlier instead, should I do that? Would that help?
It’s not that she has some sort of awful time, and like I said, I’m blessed to have my job, I know. I’ve worked here 12 years now and I finally make more per hour than the years I’ve worked here. I have benefits which have been hard to come by in the years after the bubble pop. I get to see my sister and my daughter gets to see her aunt. But… but… there’s always the worry and the questions. There’s always this idea that I could be doing it better, giving her a better life.
It actually doesn’t help that my husband makes enough money that if we wanted to and were careful we could exist on only his income. It makes it harder, kind of, because it gives me this idea that I should be being a stay at home mom full time, that that would be the best thing for this little growing person who is so wonderful and needs so much attention. It just makes the questions bigger.
Meanwhile, Alice loves stimulation and going places and doing things constantly, and while she needs and wants a lot of attention and I feel divided and like I’m doing neither job as well as I’d like, she misses her Aunt when we don’t come to work. She asks to go places all the time when we do stay home. Am I worrying for nothing?
And in the end, I realize, that all I need to do is pray. The answers all sit with God, and He has made this challenge particularly for me, to grow my Spirit in the direction He is leading me. And Alice. If I believe He is leading me, I have to further believe He is leading and forming her.
And so the prayer:
I know You have given me this challenge for a reason. I know I need to give these worries up to You and allow You to work out the solution to what feels like an impossible question. I know that what to me feels like it would be reopening of old wounds to even speak about, to You it is nothing but a speck to be blown away. I pray today that You work in this situation. Give me the right words to speak about what I think I need and what I think I need to do for my baby and myself, give me the right way to handle this situation. And show me, Lord, what will be best for her in the long run. Teach me how to Mother with the love and Grace only You can supply, and show me where You are calling me now. Give me Your leading, Lord, as strong as I once felt it. Allow me to see clearly my path again, and to be able to take my daughter on that walk with me, as I carry her everywhere else.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.